I used to think I knew a thing or two about friendship. I remember thinking my friends loved me unconditionally at one point in my life.
I’m not saying that any one of my friends in particular didn’t love me unconditionally, but they didn’t need to. At the time I hid anything about myself that could be considered troublesome, unlovable, you name it. Who needs unconditional love if there’s nothing hard to love about them? I think my theory was that I had to be easy to love or no one would love me. And the fear of being unloved kept me adding fuel to fire of a secret life.
Now, years later, I’m unraveled. I have no secrets. I am raw in my honesty with those who want it and it’s not easy but it’s right for me to be this way. The more I hide the more I become someone I’m not. So I choose to live in the light.
Becoming someone rooted in honesty and love was hard for me because my life was a mess of lies and secrets. Luckily I’m not on my own and my Father in heaven has helped tear down the walls of lies in my life. I’m not perfect and I do still struggle with truth and honesty. But daily and sometimes hourly I choose to be true to who I am.
Do I still fear that I am unlovable? Yes. Every day. But I am learning to overcome that fear. And, my friends are helping me do that. I’m still friends with some of those people who didn’t need to love me unconditionally because they didn’t know the real me. I’m happy to say that many of them do know me better now and do love me without limits as best a human can.
But I also have other friends. The ones who have always know the true me- the real Lacey Jane. They didn’t know the version of me I tried to create that would be easy to love. And you know what? Despite all my flaws, fears, and failures, they do love me!
A friend told me the other day that I am easy to love. I have been told that maybe once before but this time it really hit me in the heart. But this person knows me better than almost anyone, I thought, how could they possibly think I’m easy to love after all I’ve done?
But I don’t think they were saying I’m easy to love despite who I am or what I’ve done. If I know this person at all they were saying to me, “Lacey I know who you are. I know you are often sad and confused and I don’t understand why you have all this unexplained pain in your life. I know what you’ve done and I know you’re going to mess up again. But, all these things included, I love you. You are you. And I love all that goes into making you who you are.”
That is real friendship.