just for kicks

These are some of my favorite “Deep Thoughts” from comedian Jack Handey.

“The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called ‘Dad.’ We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.”

“I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, ‘What was THAT?!’”.

“If you’re an ant, and you’re walking across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.”

“Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: ‘Mankind’. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – ‘mank’ and ‘ind’. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.”

“If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, ‘I swallowed it. So sue me.’”

“If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.”

“It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.”

“I don’t think I’m ever more ‘aware’ than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.”

“If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, ‘Boy, these are good cigars!’”

“I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what’s wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.”

“The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.”

“If you ever discover that what you’re seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.”

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None of those ever get old to me. Remember to laugh today, as much as possible.

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