no words

It seems ironic to title a blog entry “no words”, because obviously there are words. But what I mean is lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m at a loss for words. This can be difficult when interacting with others, because I can’t express what I’m thinking or feeling in a way that’s easy to understand. What brings me comfort is that God knows my heart and he understands what is going on even when I don’t have the right words to express myself.

It’s weird to think about how much things can change over time, how the person you are today can be so different from who you were yesterday, a year ago, 8 years ago. But at the same time, when I look back at journals and emails, I sound the same in a lot of ways. I feel the same feelings. You can learn from your past, and you can move on, but it still remains a part of you. It’s difficult to train yourself to think and act completely differently than you used to. Patterns and old habits are hard to break.

This is where I find myself right now. Unable to express myself sufficiently. Unable to retrain my mind. Unable to separate myself today from myself when I was 13. What choice does this leave me? I could move away, maybe to somewhere like a nice cabin in the swiss alps. Somewhere that I could be myself with myself, and I would end up talking to myself all day every day. Maybe then I wouldn’t have the problem of no one understanding. Sounds ridiculous right? I know. I wouldn’t do it.

Although I do love the Swiss Alps.

Sometimes I get this pain deep inside my chest. It’s a piercing loneliness. I think we all get this pain. Its a pain that comes when we look around and start to feel like people think we are crazy. Like no one understands us. Like people have the wrong idea about who we are. Or what we’re doing. I have that pain a lot these days. And its no one’s fault. God created us with unique stories, unique thoughts and feelings. We are so alike but so very different. And there is only one being who can subside the pain in my chest that comes from the feeling that no one understands me. Only the love and understanding that my Heavenly Father has can ease my pain. He understands me better than I understand myself. Why is that so easy to forget?

Loneliness can weigh you down. And people can try to lift you up, but no one can lift you up like Jesus can. So if that pain deep in your chest won’t go away, if it’s been there for hours or days or years, get on your knees and ask God to take it away. Rather, give it to him. Because he’s willing to take it away, if you offer it up to him. I’m writing this for me as much as I am for anyone else. Like Paul said, I know what I should do but I don’t do it; instead, I do what I don’t want to do. When my flesh stands between me and my Father, I have to choose to get rid of it and run to him.

I’ve talked about To Write Love on Her Arms before. This is such an amazing organization and I would love to work for something like this someday. They do these things every once in a while called MOVE conferences. They have different sessions and stuff that help people get involved and know how to start conversations with people to talk about  the things we don’t typically talk about, like pain, depression, self-injury, addiction, suicide, eating disorders, and most importantly hope. They aim to equip you to be able to spread this message of hope. They are having a MOVE conference the 2nd weekend of our spring break in Cocoa Beach, FL, where TWLOHA’s headquarters are located. I just keep thinking it would be so cool to be able to go and be a part of something like this and learn from others about how to help people in this way. It’s only $125 for registration, but there are a lot of details that would have to be worked out for me to be able to go. I just like to dream big sometimes. For now, I’ll just pray about it. But I want to get involved in something that matters. That’s what I’m searching for right now. I want to do more than just be a systems analyst or a database administrator. I want to spread hope.



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